I'm on a roll today. What can I say. And it has me hankerin' for a big Tuna sandwich. On a roll. I only realized the power of the tuna can at a late time in my life - Whilst attempting mightily to become a meathead, I was informed by my friend Earl (that is indeed his name) that Tuna was the best way to get protein without fat. And cheap too! Seeing as I am again attempting mightily to become a meathead, lady tuna has entered back into my life after a long hiatus.
First, the technicalities. In a single can of shredded or "chunk light" tuna packed in water (not oil!), you get 25 grams of protein and 5% fat. A pretty good ratio, if I have to say so. If you're willing to eat straight out of the can, you'll get exactly that. Of course, most people have to add a generous (and powerfully vile) dallop of Mayonnaise to make it taste a little less fishy. So
then your fat intake goes through the roof. Incidentally, once you start eating this stuff as heavily as I do, the level of Mercury in your blood might rise precipitously. Don't be alarmed, Mercury adds character.
Second, the fun. Just the other day I bought what is officially recognized by the Association of Standard Weights and Measures as a "buttload" of tuna. I love it. When I'm not eating a turkey sandwich (of which I also bought a "buttload"), I'm eating a tuna sandwich. Let me tell you, it drives the ladies wild. Kristin, my office-mate, just loves it! Every time I bring in a sandwich, she says something to the effect of "Oh God that stinks." Think of it as a great tool for negotiation. All you have to do is start eating tuna at the office, take it over to your favorite cube-gopher, and start chowing down while you're talking. This, my loyal reader(s?), is what we call sweet, sweet revenge. The best part is, all the while you know you're being relatively healthy. Just don't spill it on yourself (as I am often wont to do) or your plan will completely backfire. Because at that point, you are the only one stinking, and you have to smell it all day. At least that way, no one will sit next to you on the train...or anywhere else for that matter.
So next time you're down at the heinously overpriced supermarket, pick up some cans. Note that they are canned in such a way that the cans can be stacked perfectly. Brilliant! If you manage to shop like my grandfather (or Ryan, or Janet) and only buy at "bargain" prices, you can pick up several dozen cans for like...a nickel.
What's in your cabinet?
In my feverish search for more Matrix: Reloaded news today, I came across this wonderful tribute to the stupidity of the American people. It seems that albinos have been persecuted in mainstream entertainment media for well-nigh half a century! Well sh*t on a stick, they gone done it again, Martha! First it was Native Americans, then it was black people, then it was men with moustaches (slowly morphed into men with sunglasses), and now it's white people. Really white people.
Now I don't know about you, but does it seem likely that even by mentioning a certain arbitrary racial/ethnic classification I will get someone all fired up and offended? Next thing I know, I'll have some advocacy group on my ass: the "Native American Black People with Moustaches and Sunglasses for Justice" group(NABPMSJ for short). Believe me, I am very aware that there are some very basic lines of offense that should not be crossed in any media, but I have often struggled with the idea that people are just too easily offended these days. For instance, white men who get angry because their jobs are threatened by (gasp!) people of a different background! You'll have to read the article I mentioned above about albinos to get what I'm really talking about...but please. Have you ever seen an albino in a villian's role? The only movie I've even seen with an albino was Powder and I don't believe there were villianous albinos in that. There was just a lightning-shootin' albino. And that was just plain cool.
I guess my point is get something real to whine about. Who in their right mind would actually get up enough energy to be offended by some white-dredlocked bad-guys? Don't you have something better to gripe about? Was there a support group for offended white men when every single white guy in The Godfather was a villian? You didn't hear complaints from clown-faced pasty white people when The Joker capered around in Batman, did you? Did sharp-nosed green women cry and moan when the Wicked Witch of the West set the Scarecrow on fire? That was pretty badass, by the way.
I know what you're thinking: that I'm an insensitive clod. That it's easy for me to talk when I am very white and very much in a majority group and am sheltered. But in fact, right now I am thinking "OH SH*T, the bad guy Biff in Back to the Future was a middle-class white guy...HEY they're saying white guys are all villians! Time to get PISSED OFF!" Seriously though, come on, toughen up people! I really doubt that the producers of Reloaded were sitting at the storyboard saying "Gee, albino people are pretty evil folks. Let's make some villians out of them and really piss some people off!" If I roll my eyes any more, they might roll out of my head.
You're also probably saying "Gee, if he's gonna rail on people who whine, maybe he should shut up too." Well, I have a webpage to do it on so nyaaaah.