Back in the day, a "carb" was something that denoted much less shame and fear as it does today. Back then, a carb was a hole on the piece that allowed you to "shotgun" your um ... green fun. I suppose that brought to some people a feeling of shame and fear, but those are the same people who think gay people are second-rate citizens and "family values" equals a whuppin' with daddy's belt. Fast forward to now, when the "carb" is the all-encompassing buzzword of 2004. It is respected. It is feared. It is fattening. At least, that's what all these Atkins idiots would like you to think.
I'm so sick of the Atkins craze. Every time I go to the grocery store, the newest "low carb" food has hit the shelves. Even fucking beer has submitted to the low carb thing. When you see "low carb offerings" in restaurants, it's just stupid. You go to a restaurant to eat something good and turn up your nose at health. When you go out to eat, you are treating yourself to something yummy not denying yourself. At least, that's how I've always seen it. But now, it's almost at the point where you can't buy anything that doesn't extoll its own low-carb virtues. Being that I am a skinny mofo and the last thing I need is to lose weight, I can use all the carbs I can get. Of course, guess what? Everything is low-carb now! Low carb soda! Low carb beer! Low carb soap I swear! LOW CARB FRIGGIN BREAD! That has to be by far the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. Bread is the very definition of carbohydrates. Why the hell would you want to eat bread that is low in carbs? I ate a low carb bagel the other day, because a co-worker was nice enough to let me eat it. It tasted like a dish sponge. Not, of course, that I would know what a dish spong would taste like, but you know ... I have a vivid imagination.
I can't wait until the next dietary craze rolls around. Then everyone will roll their lazy fatasses over to that craze and wreck their bodies. Do you people realize that it's not good to deny yourself carbs? It's essentially a form of starvation. Here's a grand fuckin idea. How about EAT WELL AND EXERCISE? I should patent that. I'll call it the "Nawrocki Diet." Hopefully I won't slip on ice like Atkins did, but maybe I'll be able to ride the train of insanity that Atkins started. Better yet, I'm going to cash in on this low-carb bullshit and start selling food that has low crab written on it. I bet you had to read that twice. You see, it says low crab. But idiots that they are, people will see it near the low carb section, and grab whatever food this is, and realize just how yummy it is, and gorge their pudgy selves. They'll say "this is the best low-carb food I've ever had! It doesn't taste like cardboard like that other stuff!"
My revenge will be that they realize that low-carb is a total farce, and I get rich. And I can't get busted for falsified advertising ... right?
Comments
Crab in not kosher. You could market it as low-crab and kosher.
It would have to be no-crab to be kosher at all, but then, no-crab is also low-crab. Kosher, low-crab seafood, for instance, could be a hit, especially among health-conscious orthodox jews, who often wonder whether the tunafish that is so popular among their catholic friends on Fridays is really kosher.
Posted by: James Turpin | May 26, 2004 8:05 PM