Musings of a Drunken Monk: Individual Entry Archive

Me. I am the next Steve Jobs.

I had this sudden realization (well, this has been a known fact for some time, but one that I hadn't really given any real thought to until today) that the computer industry needs a good swift kick in the ass to up its "cool" factor. You see, there's this whole "geek" stigma that isn't going anywhere.

While my next fashion prediction is that geekiness is the next "in," I propose to bring the two together faster than they might naturally happen. The catalyst, you may ask? Me. Strictly because I have this apparently innate ability to see into the pop-cultural future of America, I should be the chosen leader for this new computing revolution. Steve Jobs, move over. Apple may be currently hip in the computing world, but seeing as the name for their next OS X update is called tiger (an undeniably gay and uncool theme), I think it's about time someone else took over and made computing cool again. Again? Hell, it's about time someone made computing cool for the first time.

I propose the uber-new Operating System, "Reptile." It's faster than Windows. More stable and prettier than OS X. Just as "tinkerable" as Linux without a billion dependencies and headaches. It runs on PC, Mac, Sparc, Alpha, Commodore64 ...

The first update for Reptile is "Sidewinder" in which we introduce to the world FLBAM (pronounced "Fuh-Blam" by ultra-cool company insiders, even though the acronym doesn't spell out like that), which stands for Free and Legal Bad Ass Music. Fuck iTunes and it's $0.99 per song price. We get you free tunes that is 100% legal and RIAA litigation-proof! Stick that in your craw and smoke it, metallica!

As CEO of ReptiSys, I promise to provide aforementioned kick-in-the-ass to the computing industry. Bill Gates is a stodgy old geek. Steve Ballmer is the same, as much as he might try to appear hip while he hops around on stage like a raging prostitute on speed trying to hype up some new overpriced undepowered Microsoft product. Steve Jobs attempts to be hip, but come on Steve, the black turtleneck and worn jeans have got to go. In his place I stand as the new hip computing king, ever on the edge of hipness thanks to my future-sight.

It's going to be a glorious month for ReptiSys when we release our first installment of Reptile. Look out for it, and don't forget to buy stock!

(Paid for by the Justin is on Crack Association)