Boing Boing: Citizen Terrorist Watch Groups
Great, so now a bunch of fatass hick truck drivers are going to be the next "terrorist watchdogs."
I have no qualms telling you that the last guy I want pointing out potential terrorists is the 300 pound chainsmoker you see at every truck stop in America.
Thanks once again to BoingBoing.
Woah am I on a roll today. Making up for my lazy-ass posting hiatus of the past few weeks, I am I am. Here's what I have for you, head on over to the Stuffs section for "The Advantages of Leprosy."
For the past few weeks, I have been the unfortunate host to a very irritating set of insanely-itchy insect bites. Maybe a month ago, I mowed the lawn and did some cleaning around the house, and that evening "The Curse" appeared. I swear a group of ninja mosquitos attacked my ankles out of nowhere and slowly worked their way up my left leg. I was on fire for days. Thankfully, it went away within a week.
Cue "The Return of The Curse." This time it was the right leg.
Having suffered through the insanity once before and remembering just how much I wanted to scratch my leg with sandpaper (this did actually occur to me, by the way), I went straight to the doctor. The (tentative) diagnosis? Scabies! Oh joy!
Now before you get all "ewww Justin has a nasty STD" on me, keep this in mind. Scabies isn't an STD. You can get it from an unclean environment, hugging a carrier, or even shaking hands with someone. How's that for sexually transmitted? Regardless of the "it's not as naffy as you think" rationale, I still feel like a leper. And boy, if you like all that medieval role-playing or whatnot, is scabies for you! Why do I feel like a leper? Oh, perhaps it's the feeling that everyone is a little hesitant to get near you. Maybe it's the feeling that your affected bodypart will fall off when you get into a hot shower. Maybe it's the fact that there are little friggin bugs laying eggs in a burrow in your flesh! But it really is a riproaring time, here in the leprosy colony. Let me fill you in on the joys of leprosy.
- Personal Space: Nothing says "I need me time" like some red itchy skin lesions. Accordingly, nothing says it like the words "I have scabies." You'll be surprised how much people value your privacy when you have a contagious parasite. It's sweet. It's just you, your thoughts, and the little fuckers burying their bodies in your epidermis. You'll have all that time to yourself! You can spend all that time sterilizing your room and your house, just like you've always wanted to do! Because you know, what I really wanted to spend my Wednesday night doing was not going to see a movie but rather it was mopping, vacuuming, and sterilizing an entire house that was made nigh uninhabitably dirty by people other than myself, and may be the original cause for my infestation!
- Imagination: The itching, which according to medical texts typically gets worse at night (I can attest to that, though it does burn pretty much all day), will have you thinking of new and very colorful methods of gaining scratch-satisfaction. Serrated knives, forks, and amputation by chainsaw all seem to be attractive options.
- Pharmacies: I imagine we've all had to fill embarrassing prescriptions before. How about going to your local CVS pharmacy, where the woman (it has to be a member of the opposite sex, just like the doctor who diagnosed you, which somehow makes it twice as uncomfortable) tries hard to remain professional and not make personal wagers on how you got your personal leprosy flava. So she goes to the back to see if they have any, where for all you know, she's cringing and wiping her hands, hoping she didn't contract The Curse simply by touching a piece of paper you held. Ah, they're out at this CVS, how about we call the other one? Sure, you can announce it to the other pharmacists at this location and the other one that there's a leper on the loose. I do remember getting the "wow, come here often?" look from the other pharmacist, who had seen me the day before when I had to get a copy of another prescription. That's a fun time, let me tell you. Oh yeah, they have loads of the cream (see below) in the other location. You just have to go there and hope no one makes fun of you there, too ...
- Cream! Do you know how they treat it? Full body skin lotion. Go ahead, cover every square inch of your body (including face, foot soles, and anything else you can think of) with a cream that smells mildly like Justin Dufresne. Then leave it on for 8-14 hours. If you don't know who Justin Dufresne is, I'll give you the scoop: he's a guy I've known my whole life, and ever since he came back from Europe he's been ... different. Namely he has a particular odor associated with his personal hygiene habits that we all have come to refer to simply as the "Dufresne" smell. It's not necessarily bad (sometimes), it's just ... Dufresne. It took me stewing in the smell for a good hour before I realized it smelled exactly like his hair. So, you put the cream on, smell like Dufresne, and you lie down to sleep and everything gets all oily like the cream. Faaaantastic! The best part is having to ask your male roommate, who in all likelihood, like everyone else, is doing his best to respect your need for space, to slather it on the part of your back that you simply can't reach. Sounds appealing? Oh yeah, both for him and you!
- Fear of it reaching your junk: Because you've always wondered what it would look like if a "problem" ever happened to your parts ... and you really really want to know.
Honestly, doesn't that sound like fun? Who wouldn't want to experience such madcap hilarity! Obviously I didn't want to miss out, because why else would I have the pleasure of spending my evening cleaning and decontaminating?
Sounds like your bag? I've compiled a few simple steps for you to follow that will maximize your chances of catching the scabies fun-train:
- Hang out at a laundromat and rub yourself with peoples' clothes before they get washed.
- Don't wash yourself. Ever.
- Live in a less-than-clean environment. Refuse to clean until your roommates do, which results in dust bunnies larger (and more hardassed ... ever seen a dustbunny rumble with a rodent?) than the average NYC rat.
- Be really friendly with those grubby guys who hang around in Harvard Square, drink 40s, and beg for money for more 40s. No, these aren't the homeless guys. They have a more respectable place in society. These guys are teenage "punks." Go hug a punk. If he doesn't punch you and call you a fag, you'll be sure to contract some sort of parasite.
- Ride public transportation in Boston. Hang out as much as possible at the Boylston T stop.
Well, I'm sure you get the idea. Have fun, and remember, in the dark ages, they didn't have the cream. Ever wonder where the term "seven year itch" came from?
Yeah.
The Importance of...: The Obsessively Annotated Introduction to the INDUCE Act
Ernest Miller puts in his more-than-two-cents on the new INDUCE act being set forth by Orrin Hatch. This law is idiocy, and Miller undeniably (at least in my eyes) proves it with wit, sarcasm, and a whole lot of good thinking. Good read, if you have the time.
Here's a link to the Original News Story.
... you're on "the database."
This really gets my goat. Where do these fucking people get off giving out my personal credit card and health information to put in this database? How in hell does either one of those make me more likely to be a terrorist?
"All records have been destroyed or returned" my ass. Go to hell, TSA.
This is pretty freakin' incredible. We did an experiment around the office when we read this (if you are in the office and feel like trying to beat this 5 year old kid at his own game, keep in mind that the average ream of 20lb. thickness copy paper weighs 5 pounds), and the article is right; a lot of adults can't hold 7 pounds at arm's length. In defense of my (relative) manliness, I was able to do it, so nyeaaahhh.
eBay item 3682421252 (Ends Jun-16-04 19:35:31 PDT) - WEIRD Mounted whitetail Deer Rump - Face
This is by and large the weirdest thing I have seen on Ebay for a while. Not since the Ghost in a Jar have I seen something like this.
Thanks Shawn.
I've been pondering frequently lately the nature of evil. The topic has come up mainly because of overused stereotypes inherent in the popular fiction genres that I tend to read and write. It has also cropped up at times when I am making a statement about someone and the term "evil" manifests.
The problem is that both evil and good are subjective and variable. I've come to determine that evil (and good, to an extent) is much less prevalent in the form in which it is typically defined. The "handmaiden of the devil" type of evil that George Bush finds so endearing is dare I say a very rare exception, not a categorization that you can make as easily as Bush does. The problem is that people want to think of the world as very polarized. Good and Evil, black, white, etc. But you already knew this. And, to be cliche, things are more grey than they are black or white.
I think true evil, the only deserving candidate for the word, is the type of psychotic sadism that most human beings are entirely incapable of harboring. Think Hitler, Vladimir the Impaler, Britney Spears. Most people, though their actions may be callous, inconsiderate, bastardly, are really only doing something out of consideration for what is "good" for themselves. What really manifests far more often in the world is self-centrism rather than evil. Even people who are plain assholes are just trying to get by in the world and put themselves ahead of the game, or they are frighteningly unaware of how their own actions affect others. They are simply living by their own definitions of "good." While I might be tempted to call them evil, it's not a fair judgment to make. So now instead of calling ex-boss or girlfriend or whatever "evil," why don't we try something like "psychotic self-centered bitch (which can actually apply to a boss or significant other, regardless of gender ... isn't that grand)?"
It only bothers me because the concept of a truly evil person is so prevalent in modern fiction (both written and visual) that it has become a bad cliche. The evil scientist bent on world domination. For what? What the hell does world domination get you anyway, aside from a big pain in the ass? Oh, and here we have the age-defying sorceror, determined to harness the power of the gods for ... an endless supply of nubile women? Again, what can world domination get you in the long run, aside from an ulcer or assassination? As much as GW might want to think that the world is that simple (I'm sure in his monkey brain, things are that simple), they clearly are not. Obviously my little rant in a barren corner of the internet isn't going to change a long-accepted cliche. But at least I can change it in my own writing ... or something.
For a long time now, I have wondered why Paris Hilton is such a big deal. Obviously, there was that porn video, which shouldn't have been a big deal anyway. But then there's money. I don't know why everyone gushes about her as if she's some deity. Did anyone notice that she's not hot at all? Goes to show, the simple act (or non-act, I guess) of having money fools people into thinking you're attractive.
I don't know about you, but the above picture to me looks like a sixty year old woman, not some goddess of beauty. No accounting for (bad) taste, I suppose.
This is a tad frothy at the mouth, but it goes to show that Ronald Reagan was by no means the wonderful president everyone is gushing about post-mortem. In fact, he was a terrible president who ended up showing GW Bush all there is to know about running a country into the ground.
I know it's a campaign necessity, but it saddens me that Kerry feels obligated to pay tribute to the B-movie creep. Senator Kerry, rest assured Bush isn't taking a break for a week from gathering money for his "war chest." Perhaps you might think about taking the same approach.
Why the FCC should die | Perspectives | CNET News.com
This is an interesting geeky article about the irrelevancy of the FCC. I never really thought about the FCC; it has always just been there. Does it need to be there anymore?
BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | Japan's gaffe-prone politicians
Two things of note:
- I love how the BBC uses the word "gaffe"
- I had no idea Japanese politicians said such boneheaded things
Not like our own politicians don't say stupid things ... maybe it just doesn't get publicized?
This is quite the funny read.
BBC NEWS | Asia-Pacific | Japan killing comments spark row
Perhaps it's a bad translation, but to use the term "vigorous women" when describing a middle-school murder is just bizarre.
Japan, here I come?
Parents. The Anti-Drug. -- Drug Information
During my morning ritual of news-scanning, I happened across an ad exhorting me to get "the straight facts" on marijuana. Well, since I'm part of the unwashed masses and according to the "parent - the anti-drug" campaign I know nothing about da hoob, I figured I might as well get myself learned.
And how.
Did you know that kids who smoke pot are more likely to be more rebellious and aggressive? They are more likely to have bad family lives? They will have more associations with delinquent and drug-using friends!!!
These facts are about as straight as that Carson guy on Queer Eye (who, incidentally, I have been told spells his name with a K ... that's pretty gay). Not that there's anything wrong, of course, with being un-straight. However, when it comes to portraying facts as straight, then it may become a problem.
This was my favorite quote: "Compared to the light users, heavy marijuana users made more errors and had more difficulty sustaining attention, shifting attention to meet the demands of changes in the environment, and in registering, processing, and using information."
No shit?
It's a matter of don't get stoned before taking a test. I think if you manage to do that, it's more a sign of baseline stupidity as opposed to being a "delinquent stoner." Perhaps my smartest friend at school partook of the ganj quite often, as a matter of fact even whilst writing papers. He managed a pretty high GPA, especially for the Computer Science department.
So you can stick "those who used have lower achievement than the non-users" in your pipe and smoke it!
Oh I am so clever.
Seriously though, this is an entertaining page. Watch out! Your kid is the next stop on the Marijuana Express!