Musings of a Drunken Monk: Individual Entry Archive

As promised, I have compiled a (very much working) list of things I miss about home, things I don't miss about home, and things I like about Japan. Chances are these lists mirror those of many a gaijin in Japan, but hey, maybe I'll manage to strike some sort of original opinion ...

Things I Miss About Home

• Milk that doesn't taste weird and cost a gajillion yen


• Hoob. Oddly, in absence of this, I am not losing weight as expected.


• Beer that is not only fairly priced but doesn't taste like ass. In Japan, the words "Beer" and "Urine" are relatively synonymous. In the states, "Anheuser-Busch," "Coors," and "Miller" are similar, but we have this wonderful thing called "other beer" that doesn't suck. Ahhhh.


• My family and friends (duh).


• Cilantro. It's almost impossible to find unless you're willing to trek to Tokyo, and then it costs a fortune. I miss it so much I plan on "growing my own."


• English. Oh, to be able to navigate in a world without botching everything I want to say.
  
• Vegetables of earthly origin. I swear some of the vegetables here look like alien lifeforms. Witness the warty cucumber thing. As per usual, anything remotely western should be paid in gold bricks. I paid $1.50 for a single lime the other day. Sigh.


• Tonic Water in large quantity. $1.10 for 10 oz. is highway robbery. How come I can get Bombay Sapphire for $5.00 less than in the States? Because buying tonic more than makes up for the difference.


• Doritos. Oh good god, why didn't I think of this sooner?


• Insulation! Roy once said "someone needs to inform the Japanese about home insulation," and I can't agree more. The Japanese claim that they don't insulate because the "houses are made for summer" which is an enormous, stinky lie. If you put insulation in your walls, not only would we actually be warm in the winter, but the cool air from your air conditioners would actually stay in the house during the summer! Huzzah! Progress! Oh wait, that was just fantasy. In truth, every night I freeze my ass off whilst cowering in front of my kerosene "stove."


• Toilets. After being unfortunately forced to use a squat toilet not long ago, my belief was confirmed (as if it was ever in doubt) that this is one of the worst methods of pooping ever conceived. I long for the days when it was a sure thing you got a sit-toilet when you walked into a bathroom.


• Snow.

Things I Do Not Miss About Home

• Boston Frat Boys. "Dude I'm so wasted! Check out her tits! WOOOOOO!!!!" (Throws garbage cans into street)


• George W. Bush. Sadly, I cannot escape seeing his monkey-mug fairly often on TV. But I can easily avoid watching the TV (since Japanese TV is the most mind-numbingly terrible form of "entertainment" ever to face humanity) and thereby avoid reminding myself that Americans are stupid enough to re-elect him. Which brings us to the next topic ...


• Stupid, Fat, Rude Americans. There certainly are all three here, but nowhere on earth has such a high concentration of said people as in "the good ol' U S of A" (uttered with a generous dallop of midly-retarded sounding Texas twang with slide-guitar accompaniment). I mean, who else would be stupid enough to sue McDonald's for making them fat? Keep in mind, most of these people are (thankfully) concentrated in Texas. That's why we should transplant Austin and reduce the rest of the "great nation" to rubble.


• SUVs and enormous "luxury trucks." Who the hell needs 2 tons of fatass comfort anyway? Buy a damn car and save some gas and relinquish some of the road to the rest of us, you arrogant, lazy asshole.


• Snow. Yeah. Love/Hate relationship with the fluffy white stuff. As should anyone who has to shovel it often.


• Femi(nazi)ism. Hehe. Let the flames roll in. I don't miss at all being told all men are pigs/slobs/womanizers, etc. etc. Perhaps outspoken man-bashers should take a gander at what it's like to live in a real patriarchal society. On the other side of the table, I do definitely miss the idea that women should be able to get a job, live alone, etc. etc. etc.


• Being 3 years behind. The U.S. is perpetually 6 months to 3 years behind the rest of the world in pretty much everything, from fashion to technology. Granted Japanese fashoin is perpetually stuck in the 80's, but no doubt stuff I'm seeing here now will be reaching the States by the time I get home. The phones we have here now won't reach the States until I'm 30 years old. By then, the phones in Japan (given their penchant for weird sexual gadgetry) will probably give head.

Things I Like/Love About Japan

• Gadgets. I love all the little electronic doodads and stuff here. Granted you can get most of it back in the states, but there are some things that you can only get here. Cell phones are one of them. Laptops with screens that don't suck is another. Don't forget Hello Kitty vibrators.


• Onsen. It's sometimes a little weird to be hanging out in a big outdoor rock garden/bathtub with a bunch of naked men. It's even weirder if some of said naked men are your friends and/or sister's fiance. Triply weird if, since you're white or associated with a white dude, inevitably someone wants to talk to you (whilst, of course, booty naked) and/or check out the size of your member. No exaggeration, by the way. Anyway, I stray from the point. The reason I love Onsen is not because of naked men. They are just so damn cool and comfortable and you want to lounge around forever. Provided, that is, you aren't lounging in the ass-zapper, which is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.


• Lack of SUVs. Almost everyone here has a midget car and likes it. I like it too. It was with one of these cars that I ran over a baby monkey in Nikko ... and it lived. SUV? Baby monkey bye bye. Then again, they have such high clearance, maybe the monkey would've escaped completely unscathed.


• Tokyo. What isn't there to like about the coolest city in the world? London and New York ain't nuthin. Aside from the fact that it's enormous, difficult to get to, and due for a disastrous earthquake/tsunami in the next 30 years, how can one complain?


• Culture. What America has none of, Japan is rich in. Amazingly, Japan actually has history that stretches past 200 years ago! Imagine that. As a result, we can go anywhere and see something that's hundreds of years old, stunning, serene, yadda yadda. My favorite tourist game is to find the shrines and temples where there aren't hordes of other tourists. It's difficult sometimes but very rewarding.

Well that about wraps up this list. There are probably a dozen other things I could add to each list, but it's getting a little long, isn't it? Time to move on to another topic methinks. Remind me if I missed something!