I went to the dentist yesterday to remove previously mentioned scary stuff on my teeth.
My first impression was "damn that's cool that you can get a next-day appointment." Back home you have to wait like 6 months! My second impression, upon walking into the actual area where you get worked on was "why are all the chairs in the same room?" It seemed kind of odd that you should be able to hear other people's shouts of agony.
They sat me down and threw what amounts to a blanket with a hole in it over my head. Only my mouth and nose stick out from it. Then they went to town.
I feel like my mouth has been raped by a set of crazed tooth gnomes.
On the bright side my mouth is clean and sparkly after a half-hour of agony, and I only paid $20 for it.
Since coming to Japan, there are things about my own body that I've had to come to grips with. Body image is a different beast here, thus forcing me to sometimes completely about-face on notions I'd carried from the States.
Let's go with the positives first.
Thanks to Japan's pop-culture obsession with "America," as a white male I enjoy an advantage I couldn't have dreamed of back home. I'm no longer run-of-the-mill but exotic, even desirable (despite my dorky appearance). Don't believe me (you should)? Just walk around Tokyo and count the number of dorky-looking-white-guy-with-amazingly-hot-Japanese girl couples. You'll be astounded.
At the gym, I and Pete happen to be two of the biggest men there. It's refreshing. Back home, I'm almost always the runt, despite how much I might work out and get muscly. 75% of the male gym population back home is always bigger. Being at the top of the pile gleans not only instant grudging respect from the other "big" guys in the gym, but it also is a nice boost to the ol' ego. Never would I have dreamed of calling myself "huge." Here, I can do it with impunity.
There are negatives.
Even back home, my most noticeable feature is not my rugged good looks (ha!) or my bulging biceps or anything like that; it's my nose. It's sharp, bloody enormous, and has funny nostrils. Even when people aren't making fun of it, secretly I know they're marvelling at it. Fast forward to Japan. Japanese people claim that they have flat noses. For the most part, it's true. Many people have a hard time wearing "wraparound" sunglasses because they simply lack the nose bridge to support such eyewear. So many Japanese people have these cute little button noses it makes me sick with envy. For some mind bogglingly stupid reason, people like "tall" noses. This is where I fit in. Remember, enormous, pointy? They love it. I can't tell me how many times I've overheard (or directly been told) exclamations to the height of my nose. I suppose they think it's a compliment, but every time I hear it I cringe and want to rip my own olfactory unit right off. "If you like it so much, let's friggin trade!" Next person who says "ooh his nose is so tall!" is gonna get pecked in the eye.
Similarly, there seems to be the perception here that Japanese people have wide/big faces. Naturally, the white model is better, meaning a small face/head is better. I remember one of the first things that was said to me when I got in the car to drive to Gyoda for the first time was "My you have a small head. Mine is so huge!" While "Oh!" was my proper response, I do remember thinking "What the fuck?" My response hasn't much changed in two years. Daily students who have seen me around comment on how small my face is. WTF, am I a pygmy or something? So basically what I'm hearing is that I has a small face with an enormous nose. Doesn't really paint a pleasant picture, does it? I always knew my head was kinda small thanks to the fact that I look like an idiot in hats (sigh), but it's getting drilled in here with unprecedented ferocity. God, why didn't you give me a bigger skull!!
Finally, there's the teeth. Here I fit in nicely because I have bunk teeth. I've always prided myself on the fact that my teeth are always very well-brushed and sparkly. But just today I noticed an alarming amount of unexplainable junk on the inside of my teeth. I still brush every day. I still use Listerine every day. I floss every other day. I don't smoke at all, and neither do I drink coffee or much cola. So what is this crap? Upon seeing it, naturally I freaked out. I absolutely must go to the dentist now, but like most foreigners, I am terrified of Japanese dentists. We are told that Japanese dentistry is at the height of technology and among the best in the world. So why do so many Japanese people have horrible teeth? I fear that I'll go to the dentist for a simple cleaning and come out with three fake teeth. Yeek.
There you have the gist of it. There are other things, and I do think things are worse here for foreign women. For now, I'll try to enjoy my status...while going to the dentist.
Lost in Japan / Archives / Previewing IKEA in Funabashi Japan
IKEA is in Japan? This is both awesome and terrifying. I love IKEA, but I have this sinking feeling that the Japanese will love it more. The sudden infusion of IKEA stuff into the Japanese lifestyle atmosphere will, I predict, be staggering.
And all across Kantou, home centers with crappy kit furniture quake in fear.
You didn't think I'd leave you hanging after my previous riveting portrayal of the tapestry of characters at my gym, did you? Certainly not. Let me get to part two, as obviously described in the title: Konami Sports Club's employees. Some of them teach certain yoga/aerobics/bootyboxing/whatever classes, others just wander around and look encouraging. Without further ado...
- The Asstapper has, I think, a slightly twisted perspective on what makes up American-style sportsmanship. Hailing under the full name of Asstapper McTappington, he has a unique habit of tapping one's hindquarters at the most unexpected times, whilst pronouncing "頑張って下さい！ (ganbatte kudasai: hang in there / try your best!) At the beginning I thought I was immune because he sometimes works at the same school as Pete and thus had a connection. I was safe! Recently he's started tapping me on the ass too, so I'm obviously not. The trick is to have your ass against the wall or sitting on something. Sadly Asstapper is a sneaky rascal and catches you when you least expect it, such as when you're bent over the water fountain. Gym goosing is never fun.
- I bet you never thought I'd be talking about Rambo at my gym, but it's true. Sylvester Stallone (along with his overrated career) died and came back as a Japanese aerobics instructor. Rambo is kind of a rare sight at Konami, but nevertheless he's reached character status. He teaches some sort of weight training / aerobics combination routine that's insanely popular. Maybe it's because everyone wants to aspire to his bandanna-wearing badassedness. I can understand the head-worn bandanna for anti-sweat purposes, but the reasoning behind the one tied around his upper arm eludes me. It even has the long free ends hanging down his arm just like Rambo. I expect any day now that inside those plastic weights of his is hidden an enormous helicopter machinegun that somehow he can wield with his enormous muscles and mow us all down (that part is fabricated; Konami's Rambo doesn't have enormous muscles...nor a machinegun, hopefully).
- Our third contestant only gets mention because Jenn spent I swear 10 minutes ranting about the ridiculousness of her clothing choice one evening. Jeanny gets her name from the tight hotpant-style cutoff jean shorts she wore one night. Normally I don't see this as much of a problem (aside from the fact that the shorts were rather unattractive) except for the fact that she's one of the more hardcore fitness instructors at Konami. It means that she came in a pair of denim shorts to teach aerobics. Simply imagining the potential for chafing boggles the mind. Singlehandedly, Jeanny has demonstrated both the sometimes unfathomable Japanese fashion sense as well as the ability to be marked as a character by the gay-looking gaijin duo. Props!
- Mondays have recently become my favorite gym-going day, thanks to Smiley. Back in the day (read: a few months ago) I started by calling her Guy Smiley in homage to the rather obscure Sesame Street talk show host character of the same name. Being that Konami's Smiley is female the name didn't really fit, and thus the “Guy” part was dropped. Anyway, as I was saying, Monday is my favorite gym day because of her. It's not that Smiley is particularly gorgeous or flirty (never talked to her) or even an amazing fitness instructor (I have no idea what makes one). It's just that she has this infectious smile that really leaves an impression. I guess you could say she kind of resembles a muppet, seeing as her face-splitting smile has never left her face for more than a second at any one time. I wonder how she does it. If you couldn't tell, I have an irrational crush on her and my goal is to talk to her without getting roped into taking “latin dance aerobics” and thus looking like a complete fool. My goal doesn't really matter anyway, as her smile does make the gym a brighter place to be. Maybe Asstapper could learn a thing or two from her and smile harmlessly instead of tapping asses. Hmmm...
This wraps up today's gym characters chapter. Next time you can look forward to a more abstract set, featuring mythical characters like The Thong and The Sweater.
Ganbatte kudasai!
I have a 10-student Level 2 English Conversation class. 9 of its students are female, making the last the lone male. On the first day when he walked into the classroom and saw the roaring femininity presented to him, his face registered visible trepidation. On the same day he told the teacher he wanted to quit the class.
Every day he sits and stares out the window with a look of despair on his face. It's almost like he hates women, and I'm pretty positive he's not gay. Why, Masashi, why? Celebrate, for this is an opportunity you will likely never have again. Revel!
Men in this country are so weird.
Since coming to Japan, I've made a most delightful discovery. At home whenever I created or printed a document on my computer, these mysterious A4, B5, etc. paper sizes always showed up in my choices. What could these cryptic codes possibly mean? How could one ever determine a paper's actual size through a simple combination of letters and numbers? To me, "letter" and "legal" made perfect sense.
I don't know about anywhere else, but in Japan A4 size is the standard "letter" size paper. I assume that much of the rest of the world uses this standard, since in all too many cases it seems to boil down to "the rest of the world" using one standard while the US (and sometimes England) uses some outdated half-assed imperial standard. Note that in no way do I claim knowledge of worldwide paper size standards; I'm talking out my ass.
After an extended period of confusion over these strange paper sizes, it was finally explained to me. Lucky you, that you get to share in my leaned wisdom. Witness: The letter (A,B, etc.) indicates the basic size category of the paper. The number indicates (it seems to me) the relative size in comparison to other numbers in the category. Two combined sheets of one number will always form one sheet of the next number up. For example, two B5 sheets will form, side by side, one B4 sheet. Likewise, two A4 sheets will form a single A3 sheet. Genius!
I imagine this makes for dry reading, but just try for a moment to imagine my excitement when I figured this out. It's like cracking a code or something. It makes the creation of school handouts so much simpler, not to mention cooler because I can do neat things with my handout sheets.
Yet again ... It's the small things in life.
A few months ago I got myself a shiny new membership to the Konami Sports Club here in Gyoda. It's a modest gym, nothing fancy and not particularly big. From what I've seen, it's pretty standard for Japanese gyms. I can only imagine that the clientele are also pretty standard. I've been to plenty of gyms back home, but I can't recall whether or not they had characters that are as interesting to describe as the ones are at Konami. Maybe that was because I didn't stay at any gym but my college gym for long enough to pick out anyone special.
Anyway, while introducing the gym's nuances to me, Pete pioneered our usage of the "character" nomenclature. He really was right, the place does have quite a few unique people in it, who only can be described as having "character."
- First off we have meathead. I've actually posted about him before but I'm not sure I did him justice. He is the foremost character because there's so much of him and he's so damn visible. I mean really, he is built like a tree. I've only seen him actually working about about 2% of the time he actually spends in the gym. The other 98% is spent gabbing with other wannabe-meatheads and touching women while ostensibly "teaching them." I noticed once a woman doing squats. She seemed to be doing fine by herself. Meathead's version of spotting her was cupping her ass with his enormous ham-hands to "help" her push up. Yeah, like I want a pair of meaty hands on my ass when I'm doing squats. Then again, maybe that's what Japanese women want in the gym.
- Our next character we appropriately dubbed The Stripper. Seriously, I have no other explanation for her appearance and behavior. She looks like she might be pushing 40, but she has the body of a 20 year old. She lifts quite heavy weights for the size of her body. She dresses in skin-tight everything (like bright pink spaghetti-strap tops and split-leg booty pants), and stares at herself in the mirror at all times. Her favorite exercise isn't really an exercise; it consists of standing and leaning on the freeweight rack with her ass stuck out into the room. Precisely what she's doing I haven't a clue, but I could wager a few guesses. Sure, it's pretty cool that she's obviously proud of her body, but what made me think "stripper" were the long intricately-painted and rhinestoned nails, the heavy makeup, and the huge gold hoop earrings. Yeah I know I'm stereotyping, but really, you'd probably say the same thing.
- Even before Meathead, the first person I noticed in the gym was Jacket. I think he was actually the first person I ever saw at the gym, even while I was doing my initial orientation. The guy enjoys a similar status to I and Pete (one of the biggest guys in the gym, w00t), but he does it with a more distinct style. The name derives from the fact that he wears this white vinyl Nike jacket at all times. He sweats like his innards are on fire, and he rolls up the sleeves of the jacket so it becomes sleeveless, but nevertheless he always wears the thing. He must really love that jacket! I could understand, I suppose, if the jacket was rivetingly cool, but it's not. I mean, the thing is vinyl! It's particularly amusing when he finishes one of his dramatic workout routines and collapses onto the floor, like he finished some epic marathon. Take the jacket off, man. You might find it easier to lift stuff.
- The next doesn't really need much introduction, because her name pretty much says it all. Pete dubbed her Perfect B's and I stand by his judgement. 'Nuff said.
- Naturally, there's also The Dude, but he's got an entire post dedicated to his glory, and I don't want to take away from that. We did recently save Jenn from Dude-Damnation by telling him that he couldn't talk to her because "Japanese people make her nervous" and "she's really concentrating on her workout." She owes us.
- Old Man Muscles is the name I came up with just now for a guy we otherwise call "the muscular old guy." He looks like he could be anywhere from 65 to 75, but he is frickin' honed. Pete said just yesterday, "Dude, if I had a body like that at his age, I'd be wearing even less than he does." Trudat. The man is like an old greek god. He's recently taken to wearing this weird tank top that doesn't even cover his nipples (at that point, I don't really understand the purpose for wearing a top at all) and scary booty-tight biking shorts ... zebra print. It's particularly distracting and disconcerting when he walks in front of you and you're trying to give the mirror your best "angry face," but let's be honest here. If I look like that when I'm his age, you can count on me going to the gym in a damn speedo.
- Sporty Spice is relatively new on the scene, having only come to the gym a few times, but nevertheless she made her impression and she's got herself a shiny new nickname. She looks eerily like she could've been a past student, but I'm not sure. The fact is that there's something about her (haven't figured it out yet) that makes her a character. That's aside from her sharp facial features and the workout gloves she wears, both of which scream "I will kill you if you so much as look at my machine." I said something very stupid to her yesterday and miraculously managed to come away with my life. Her alternative character name was Anime Girl because she seemed straight out of one, but it just didn't have the right sparkle for a good character name. I have big expectations for Sporty.
The fun part about having so many characters at the gym is wondering who will be there on any given night. Of course Dude nights are no fun, but everyone else sticks to their own business, thus allowing us to marvel at their characterness. It goes without saying that to everyone else there we are probably "The Gay Looking Gaijin" characters, but I do hope that we provide as much entertainment to them as they do to us.
Keep an eye out for the next installment of the Character series, in which I'll fill you in on the other half of the character set: Konami Sports Club employees.
My parents visited from the end of March into April. It was a great visit and we took a million pictures between the three of us. Here's the beginning of the set. It will be added to, so if you're interested make sure to check back over time as I hand-pick the best pictures to add.
Today as I was biking back from lunch I overheard two junior high school girls talking about me. The conversation went like this:
Girl 1: "Isn't he hot?"
Girl 2: "Really hot."
Regardless of the fact that they are probably 15 years my junior and also know very little about what criteria make a foreign man "very hot," it managed to perk me up just a tad on an otherwise dreary day.
It's the small things in life.
Of late I've posted absolutely nothing at all (as if you hadn't noticed). I've been on spring break, during which my parents visited me here in Japan. It was a great visit, and I trust that they had a wonderful time. Mom absolutely blew away my expectations in terms of stamina and ability to 頑張る (ganbaru: to try very hard) through a whole range of foreign foods.
I have about four billion pictures to post, so those will be going up after I get them color-balanced and so on. Until that time ... hang in there.