Musings of a Drunken Monk

A few months ago I got myself a shiny new membership to the Konami Sports Club here in Gyoda. It's a modest gym, nothing fancy and not particularly big. From what I've seen, it's pretty standard for Japanese gyms. I can only imagine that the clientele are also pretty standard. I've been to plenty of gyms back home, but I can't recall whether or not they had characters that are as interesting to describe as the ones are at Konami. Maybe that was because I didn't stay at any gym but my college gym for long enough to pick out anyone special.

Anyway, while introducing the gym's nuances to me, Pete pioneered our usage of the "character" nomenclature. He really was right, the place does have quite a few unique people in it, who only can be described as having "character."

• First off we have meathead. I've actually posted about him before but I'm not sure I did him justice. He is the foremost character because there's so much of him and he's so damn visible. I mean really, he is built like a tree. I've only seen him actually working about about 2% of the time he actually spends in the gym. The other 98% is spent gabbing with other wannabe-meatheads and touching women while ostensibly "teaching them." I noticed once a woman doing squats. She seemed to be doing fine by herself. Meathead's version of spotting her was cupping her ass with his enormous ham-hands to "help" her push up. Yeah, like I want a pair of meaty hands on my ass when I'm doing squats. Then again, maybe that's what Japanese women want in the gym.
• Our next character we appropriately dubbed The Stripper. Seriously, I have no other explanation for her appearance and behavior. She looks like she might be pushing 40, but she has the body of a 20 year old. She lifts quite heavy weights for the size of her body. She dresses in skin-tight everything (like bright pink spaghetti-strap tops and split-leg booty pants), and stares at herself in the mirror at all times. Her favorite exercise isn't really an exercise; it consists of standing and leaning on the freeweight rack with her ass stuck out into the room. Precisely what she's doing I haven't a clue, but I could wager a few guesses. Sure, it's pretty cool that she's obviously proud of her body, but what made me think "stripper" were the long intricately-painted and rhinestoned nails, the heavy makeup, and the huge gold hoop earrings. Yeah I know I'm stereotyping, but really, you'd probably say the same thing.
• Even before Meathead, the first person I noticed in the gym was Jacket. I think he was actually the first person I ever saw at the gym, even while I was doing my initial orientation. The guy enjoys a similar status to I and Pete (one of the biggest guys in the gym, w00t), but he does it with a more distinct style. The name derives from the fact that he wears this white vinyl Nike jacket at all times. He sweats like his innards are on fire, and he rolls up the sleeves of the jacket so it becomes sleeveless, but nevertheless he always wears the thing. He must really love that jacket! I could understand, I suppose, if the jacket was rivetingly cool, but it's not. I mean, the thing is vinyl! It's particularly amusing when he finishes one of his dramatic workout routines and collapses onto the floor, like he finished some epic marathon. Take the jacket off, man. You might find it easier to lift stuff.
• The next doesn't really need much introduction, because her name pretty much says it all. Pete dubbed her Perfect B's and I stand by his judgement. 'Nuff said.
• Naturally, there's also The Dude, but he's got an entire post dedicated to his glory, and I don't want to take away from that. We did recently save Jenn from Dude-Damnation by telling him that he couldn't talk to her because "Japanese people make her nervous" and "she's really concentrating on her workout." She owes us.
• Old Man Muscles is the name I came up with just now for a guy we otherwise call "the muscular old guy." He looks like he could be anywhere from 65 to 75, but he is frickin' honed. Pete said just yesterday, "Dude, if I had a body like that at his age, I'd be wearing even less than he does." Trudat. The man is like an old greek god. He's recently taken to wearing this weird tank top that doesn't even cover his nipples (at that point, I don't really understand the purpose for wearing a top at all) and scary booty-tight biking shorts ... zebra print. It's particularly distracting and disconcerting when he walks in front of you and you're trying to give the mirror your best "angry face," but let's be honest here. If I look like that when I'm his age, you can count on me going to the gym in a damn speedo.
• Sporty Spice is relatively new on the scene, having only come to the gym a few times, but nevertheless she made her impression and she's got herself a shiny new nickname. She looks eerily like she could've been a past student, but I'm not sure. The fact is that there's something about her (haven't figured it out yet) that makes her a character. That's aside from her sharp facial features and the workout gloves she wears, both of which scream "I will kill you if you so much as look at my machine." I said something very stupid to her yesterday and miraculously managed to come away with my life. Her alternative character name was Anime Girl because she seemed straight out of one, but it just didn't have the right sparkle for a good character name. I have big expectations for Sporty.

The fun part about having so many characters at the gym is wondering who will be there on any given night. Of course Dude nights are no fun, but everyone else sticks to their own business, thus allowing us to marvel at their characterness. It goes without saying that to everyone else there we are probably "The Gay Looking Gaijin" characters, but I do hope that we provide as much entertainment to them as they do to us.

Keep an eye out for the next installment of the Character series, in which I'll fill you in on the other half of the character set: Konami Sports Club employees.