Musings of a Drunken Monk: Individual Entry Archive

You didn't think I'd leave you hanging after my previous riveting portrayal of the tapestry of characters at my gym, did you? Certainly not. Let me get to part two, as obviously described in the title: Konami Sports Club's employees. Some of them teach certain yoga/aerobics/bootyboxing/whatever classes, others just wander around and look encouraging. Without further ado...

• The Asstapper has, I think, a slightly twisted perspective on what makes up American-style sportsmanship. Hailing under the full name of Asstapper McTappington, he has a unique habit of tapping one's hindquarters at the most unexpected times, whilst pronouncing "頑張って下さい！ (ganbatte kudasai: hang in there / try your best!) At the beginning I thought I was immune because he sometimes works at the same school as Pete and thus had a connection. I was safe! Recently he's started tapping me on the ass too, so I'm obviously not. The trick is to have your ass against the wall or sitting on something. Sadly Asstapper is a sneaky rascal and catches you when you least expect it, such as when you're bent over the water fountain. Gym goosing is never fun.


• I bet you never thought I'd be talking about Rambo at my gym, but it's true. Sylvester Stallone (along with his overrated career) died and came back as a Japanese aerobics instructor. Rambo is kind of a rare sight at Konami, but nevertheless he's reached character status. He teaches some sort of weight training / aerobics combination routine that's insanely popular. Maybe it's because everyone wants to aspire to his bandanna-wearing badassedness. I can understand the head-worn bandanna for anti-sweat purposes, but the reasoning behind the one tied around his upper arm eludes me. It even has the long free ends hanging down his arm just like Rambo. I expect any day now that inside those plastic weights of his is hidden an enormous helicopter machinegun that somehow he can wield with his enormous muscles and mow us all down (that part is fabricated; Konami's Rambo doesn't have enormous muscles...nor a machinegun, hopefully).


• Our third contestant only gets mention because Jenn spent I swear 10 minutes ranting about the ridiculousness of her clothing choice one evening. Jeanny gets her name from the tight hotpant-style cutoff jean shorts she wore one night. Normally I don't see this as much of a problem (aside from the fact that the shorts were rather unattractive) except for the fact that she's one of the more hardcore fitness instructors at Konami. It means that she came in a pair of denim shorts to teach aerobics. Simply imagining the potential for chafing boggles the mind. Singlehandedly, Jeanny has demonstrated both the sometimes unfathomable Japanese fashion sense as well as the ability to be marked as a character by the gay-looking gaijin duo. Props!


• Mondays have recently become my favorite gym-going day, thanks to Smiley. Back in the day (read: a few months ago) I started by calling her Guy Smiley in homage to the rather obscure Sesame Street talk show host character of the same name. Being that Konami's Smiley is female the name didn't really fit, and thus the “Guy” part was dropped. Anyway, as I was saying, Monday is my favorite gym day because of her. It's not that Smiley is particularly gorgeous or flirty (never talked to her) or even an amazing fitness instructor (I have no idea what makes one). It's just that she has this infectious smile that really leaves an impression. I guess you could say she kind of resembles a muppet, seeing as her face-splitting smile has never left her face for more than a second at any one time. I wonder how she does it. If you couldn't tell, I have an irrational crush on her and my goal is to talk to her without getting roped into taking “latin dance aerobics” and thus looking like a complete fool. My goal doesn't really matter anyway, as her smile does make the gym a brighter place to be. Maybe Asstapper could learn a thing or two from her and smile harmlessly instead of tapping asses. Hmmm...

This wraps up today's gym characters chapter. Next time you can look forward to a more abstract set, featuring mythical characters like The Thong and The Sweater.

Ganbatte kudasai!