Musings of a Drunken Monk: Individual Entry Archive

One of the "benefits" of my Japanese visa taking much longer than anticipated to come through is that I've been stuck in Western Massachusetts in my hometown for far longer than originally intended. It allows for me to pursue such stimulating pastimes as catching up on all the quality reading material stacked up in the bathroom. One such thing I've been reading lately is the local town newspaper. It includes the monthly police blotter. This is the section of the newspaper where all happenings involving the town police are painstakingly documented. I decided to reproduce a few entries here for your pleasure. These entries are 100% true to the original source; I haven't altered anything.

• "Report of stolen property from Suburban Drive; property identified as fake rooster stolen from front lawn of residential property. Officer sent; civilian subsequently located rooster and it was rescued from Neighbors Store roof." (I know exactly whose fake rooster that is. Every time I drive by that house I think there's a rooster watching traffic go by.)
• "Report of a raccoon staggering down Main Street; unknown emergency. Officer sent; raccoon was gone on arrival."
  (What would the charges be? Public drunkenness?)
• "Report of a raccoon 'acting strangely' on Main Street. Officer checked the area; report unfounded."
  (Misbehaving raccoons are apparently becoming quite the problem in this otherwise law-abiding town.)
• "Subject called complaining about a raffle at the Fall Festival; party said he purchased a $5 raffle ticket for golf clubs. He won the raffle, but retrieved an item which was used, not consistent with the item he submitted for; he believes raffle was a scam. Matter still under investigation."
  (wtf.)
• "Report of a loose donkey and horse at Suburban Drive residence; officer sent. Donkey and horse moved back into field."
  (Sadly, I also know whose donkey and horse these are. They happen to also own the fake rooster.)
• "Check the welfare request on Main Street; female reported as lying on the lawn. Officer sent; no emergency found. Female fell asleep while reading."
  (Main Street, as you can see, is a veritable pit of depravity.)

There you have it folks; small town excitement. Who needs a city of lights, gourmet restaurants, and nightclubs when you can have this?!